Class Dismissed

I’m an organization-and-scheduling aficionado. I plan and plan and plan all these things that I would LIKE to be doing: academic classes, art sales, psychic-stuff sales, magical practice, myriad books and guides, a churchish thing…

In my head, it works like this:

MY IDEAS –> BIG GNARLY CHAOTIC MESS –> IDEAS BRING FAME AND FORTUNE

So if I could just clean up and organize the big gnarly chaotic mess, daily productivity and progress will naturally ensue and then everything else will come easily.

But when I wade into the chaos, determined to make a solid effort and get it all in the optimal order, I get overwhelmed. I lose sight of my goal. I forget what I want to achieve, and organizing the chaos becomes my focus.

I have to learn to let the chaos be chaotic, and to keep my mind on the real goals.

(Which, right now, I have forgotten. They’re all just wispy ideas of “completed projects” and “success”.)

An ironic paradox is that I believe myself to be “enlightened”–not that I’m an Enlightened Being™, beyond all worldly cares and trappings, but in the sense that I think I see how existence works, and I’ve come up with a structure that pleases me. Now that I have that all figured out (more or less), the trappings and limitations of this world–which most people see as worthy challenges and goals–seem very, very DULL.

But!

I have been blessed with the opportunity to stay out of that world as much as possible! Huzzah! I have enough money, enough food, and a nice place to live. I can just sit here on my enlightened butt and not bother with anyone or anything else, if I want to. I can spend all day thinking about how existence works, and how much I know about it, and fiddling around with the (unfalsifiable) details.

BUT…

…the world is still out there, and even though I don’t like how it works, I still have the urge to be a part of it, somehow. So I make up projects that other people might enjoy. (Yes, I’ve finally learned to focus on projects that interest me instead of worrying so much about catering to other people’s tastes, but I still think about an audience with just about everything I do.)

The conundrum: I’ve achieved a few Big Life Goals. I have a solid personal belief system that works well for me, I’m genuinely content with myself, and I have a comfortable life. Very few people reach any of those points, and here I am with all of that under my belt. How lucky am I?!

I’M BORED.

I know that worldly, ego-centric goals–fame, riches, reputation, social connections–are just the delusions of Samsara. They don’t mean anything at the core of existence. When I try to make them mean something to me, all I get is a sense of emptiness. I feel like I’m wasting my time. I should be doing something real.

But…as far as I can tell…I’ve done the real thing. All these projects I’ve been working on have led me to revelations. All that’s left to do now is to sort out all the chaos that led up to it.

Remember in school, when you were the first person to complete a written exam, and you had to sit there waiting for everyone else to finish so that you could leave the class? You could go over your answers again and again until you started second-guessing yourself. You could scribble on a blank piece of paper. You could just sit there, staring into space, daydreaming. (No reading ahead! Keep all other books off the table!)

You watch your classmates struggling with what was easy for you, and maybe you want to help, but you can’t really communicate with anyone, and even if you could, if they don’t already get the basic concepts, you won’t be able to do much for them anyway.

So you have to find little stupid things to do while you’re stuck there.

My metaphor kind of breaks down at this point, but it’s very apt for how I feel now. I’m pretty sure I did well on the existential test, but I’m still stuck in this world, so I have to amuse myself here while I wait to find out if my answers are right.

And what’s this world all about, on the illusory surface? Fame, riches, reputation, social connections.

Having completed the BIG test to my current satisfaction, maybe I should just fool around with some of these little quizzes and see what I can do. I might even learn something more and adjust my answers accordingly before the bell rings.

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