More of the Same

Pfffft, I dunno about this.

I woke up and got to work on my website (still in WordPress, even though I changed my mind yesterday and decided to code it from scratch). Almost immediately I’m overwhelmed, stressed out, and falling back into the endless whirling circles of platforms, planning, tweaking the settings, worrying about AI scrapers, feeling guilty because I’m not doing it from scratch, looking at all the unsorted files and folders looming on the back end…I’ve been up for two hours and I’m already mentally exhausted and I can feel the existential depression coming on and I just want all this to be ORGANIZED and DONE.

If I could just make decisions and then forget about all the other choices, I could do so many things.

So I throw my hands in the air: “FINE! I just won’t do ANY of those things; I’m going to live my life like a HERMIT, OFFLINE and in HARDCOPY and then I won’t have to worry about any of this ANY MORE!”

But I know I won’t do that, either.

Back and forth, round and round.

There probably isn’t a “best” path. I know this. The path is whatever I choose, and all of them have advantages and drawbacks. Why can’t I just make a decision and move forward? WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!

And underlying all of this is the suspicion that despite all this fuss and talent, I don’t really have anything worth putting out there. Most people don’t care about my work one way or another, and those who do either can’t afford it or want me to apply MY style to THEIR ideas. I hate commissions.

Is this all just a big waste of my time and energy?

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